Okay so I’m getting rid of anything not serving me. I feel like I’ve been in a constant loop with experiences. Nothing will change till I do, I know that. But lately I’ve been peeping the patterns and my body is kinda tired, like repulsing them. Let me go more in depth. So lately a couple of experiences have shown me that I am shedding an old me. My body genuinely doesn’t resonate with those roles anymore. I might stay around to fake it but I want every fibre of my body to be genuinely happy.
Usually I’m like the strong friend/ girl friend like I’m putting everybody else’s needs before mine and the consequences are starting to hit a little bit more than usual. Like another part of me was realising that I am tired of being the responsible one in bonds. I feel like I’m the one who is always the one that is OKAY. The strong friend I guess. I feel like I’m always in my masculine energy when I’m around certain people and it does not feel good. I also want to be able to enjoy myself. It’s not actually fair when I think about it because it’s like bitch I’m a girl too. I was even taking it in, in my 1 year “relationship”. Maybe me operating in my masculine means I do not trust these people as much as I think I do or want to. I mean maybe it’s not trust but maybe because the effort and energy is never reciprocated properly so I do not feel safe enough for you to take care of me at the level that I do for me.
It’s not that I hope they fail at taking care of me but like if they dont take care of themselves they can’t take care of me. You can’t give someone something you do not have for yourself. I’m also taking in that if you can’t or never did things for yourself then it’s hard to come around me. It may sound harsh but I’ve wasted about 3-4 years of my life tryna help other people figure out their own lives and stuff. That has kept me stuck at their level for years. They were taking from me energetically, physically, emotionally, financially etc. While they were on the come up, I was getting drained.
Sure everyone is different but I feel like God has been testing me a lot more than usual lately. Asking me if I really want to change or if I’m all talk. I may have lost some battles but I’m not losing this war, at all. Even in the love department, I sacrificed too much to be miserable. I might as well be happy now. I deserve to be happy. I do not deserve to be the person that helps everyone while they’re going through it.
I wanna be more mature and find different ways to take control of my life. I can’t keep blaming everything and everyone around me without making the necessary changes.
It’s funny because this applies to even my job. I thought I was stuck here for a year but I can leave at any time I want to leave. Just gotta give a 1 month notice. In the meantime this job has been draining me for months. I hate the staff on my team, location is kinda far. I’m tired of taking the bus just to get to work early in the morning. I kinda feel like it takes all my energy and time. Like yes I could be productive and do stuff while on the job but the will isn’t there. It’s just keeping me stuck. I am tired of staying stuck and being in loops. To be honest, I believe you gotta watch the people you keep around when you’re in your “loops”. They might keep you stuck.
Craziest part about all this is that I’ve been very clear with my words. I have been telling people what I require but people are so fucking selfish. Instead of changing or sacrificing a little bit for you they will spin it and make it seem like they are the one that requires the help and you do not. Honestly, it’s time for a change in me. When I change, the people are going to come as well. I am trying to change for the better and not the worse. Tired of doing victory laps on lessons I’ve already learned. God makes the lessons much more painful when we do not take them seriously the first time.
(Watch my blessings pour in, i finally made the cuts that were meant to be set free)
XOXO <3